


In Golgotha's Shadow

by AltUniverseWash



Series: Forever After [11]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Epilogue, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Character Driven Story, Cosmic importance, Death, Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Existentialism, F/F, Fourth Wall, Gen, Moving On, Multi, Non-Linear Narrative, Nontraditional narrative, Self-Acceptance, Weird Plot Shit, relevance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23042560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AltUniverseWash/pseuds/AltUniverseWash
Summary: Aradia Megido has found herself at the end of the universe - everything around her is gone.But who are these people talking to her, and what do they want?A non-traditional exploration of Aradia's journey back from the end of the Universe into the Earth-C universe. Explores themes of existentialism, relevance, and self-importance in a vast universe.
Relationships: Rose LaLonde / Kanaya Maryam / Vriska Serket / Terezi Pyrope
Series: Forever After [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1664167
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	In Golgotha's Shadow

Ideas for writing:

  * alternate epilogue
  * detective alt-universe
  * light romfic fluff (RoseMary? VrisRezi?)
  * realtionship exploration (polyam, coming-out)
  * Dr. June Egbert!!!
  * ~~Zombie AU?~~ THIS IS TERRIBLE AND CLICHE, NO



Excuse me…

  * DaveKat?
  * Jake? I kinda ignored that he existed
  * MORE JUNE EGBERT
  * Roxy needs more development – non-binary coming-out?



EXCUSE ME!   
Oh holy shit, seriously?!   
If you don’t mind, I seem to be a bit… lost.   
Oh shit shit shit I am so off-the-clock on this one…   
I don’t follow.

Notes on Aradia Megido:

  * ~~Death?~~
  * ~~Extended symbolism of death/recurring conflict~~
  * ~~Speaking for the dead/with the dead?~~



What did you just say? I feel like I heard something… just now. A funny kind of thing. It was quiet.   
No way in hell are we doing this, I was not ready and it is like one in the goddamn morning. We’re starting this over. Let’s get the other one back in here and try this again…   
I’m sorry, but what are you tal–

* * *

Not to put too fine a point on it, but there is a certain degree of distinction between reveling in the witness of destruction and reveling in the act of destruction itself. This distinction is further clarified by the degree to which one is even capable of effecting change on what one is witnessing. For example, the moral judgement against someone who simply watches what they have no control over would be vastly different than against someone who chose to stand by while they were fully capable of intervening.

And at a certain point, the destruction is so vast, so utterly cosmic in its implications, that witnessing it is simply an act of  _ being _ . Of continuing to exist in the same perceptual space and time as something so incredibly difficult to understand that simply retaining one’s mind becomes a challenge in and of itself.

Aradia Megido had long-since crossed that point. She had seen the Green Sun collapse in on itself. She had heard the voices of the dead scream – their anguish rising in crescendo as the framework which help them to this universe collapsed in on itself. Or maybe not anguish… maybe only confusion. In any case, it had lasted only as long as the process itself and then…

Silence.

For the first time in many sweeps, Aradia heard only complete, unending silence.

This is strange.

For indeed it was – to someone so used to the constant companionship of the voices, Aradia felt distinctly  _ alone _ in the universe. She had felt a presence – the sense that Vriska Serket was nearby – but that had faded away into nothing and there was only the void space beyond the Furthest Ring now.

Except there was no Furthest Ring. There was no void space because everything was the void space. It was an experience that Aradia found… difficult to fully describe.

No, you’re not understanding me! Why is this so hard to explain?

Even for someone as used to non-standard cognitive and temporal experiences as Aradia, it was hard to explain the sensation of complete and utter isolation. She had become so used to the voices that

PLEASE STOP!   
Excuse me, What are you doing?   
I need help! I don’t understand where I am!   
Outside the concept of narrative relevance.   
That sounds very made-up. You are making that up.   
No, rest assured that I am not. Well… I mean… as much as any story is made up, I guess.   
I think I made a bad choice. I wanted to see what would happen but… now I feel very lonely and I wish I had chosen differently.

What Aradia failed to understand was that she existed in place beyond the concepts of choice, volition, or will. She existed in a place where all that mattered was her existence, because there was nothing else. Not anymore.

I believe you’re just trying to sound intelligent, but you’re really not.

With that, Aradia drifted… she drifted off into the void space, to contemplate her own

I’m not going to drift or do anything of the sort! You’re not a good person.   
Says the person who sicced an army of ghosts on their friend.   
She paralyzed Tavros! Are you really going to ignore that. Besides… that cycle of violence is something that we talked about… kind of.   
You sound unsure of yourself.   
Well… I do wish I’d had a chance to talk through some things more. Especially since Tavros is dead now. It feels like things are unfinished that can’t ever be finished now.   
Yeah, life is like that sometimes. Them’s the breaks, shit happens, et cetera et cetera.   
Are you always like this?   
Pretty much, yeah.

Aradia drifted off into void space to

No, absolutely not.   
OH FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK NOT YOU TOO!   
What do you mean?   
God in fucking heaven – first the other one throws a fit and practically turns the story into a goddamn lemon right in the middle and now you’re refusing to even follow basic story conventions. Next thing you’ll be asking for me to do a fucking self-insert… I hate all of your so goddamn much!   
Why do you bother, then?   
And no, I’m happy to talk like this. It’s less confusing for me.   
Well thank fuck for small favors, I guess.   
No, you know what, I’m being a jerk. You’ve been polite and you don’t know what’s going on. I’m sorry. Let’s start this over again.   
Okay. Hello, I’m Aradia.   
…   
Yes, I know. I’m…   
I’m…   
I’m not entirely sure who I am, to be honest. I’ve never really thought of myself in a definite sense like that. I just kind of… AM.   
That sounds lonely.

What was truly lonely was Aradia’s existence. She had no way of calling on her friends – Sollux had been with her at one point, but she couldn’t feel him out there in the void anymore. Vriska (although using the term “friend” might be pushing that a bit much) had blipped in and out of existence without explanation. All the others – the ones who had been ready to form the new universe…

Aradia had no idea. She assumed they had succeeded and reaped their reward, but long experience had taught her that such assumptions were dangerous. And how long had it even been since the Green Sun collapsed? Time felt meaningless now.

I’m wondering if this is some kind of projection, what you’re doing. Emotional projection, I mean – that might not have been clear.   
Who are you now, Dr. June?!   
I’m sorry, I don’t know what that means. Who’s Dr. June?   
Oh, it’s this thing that June will do… is doing… now I’m confused by the timeline stuff. We’ll go with “does” and leave it at that.   
I don’t know who June is. Do you mean Jane?   
No, not Jane… oh shit, that’s right. You wouldn’t know. Sorry, I get things mixed up sometimes. I should really take notes or something. June is John – they trans–   
Oh yeah, like Vriska. That’s fine, I was just confused.   
Uh… yeah. Like Vriska. Sorry, I thought you’d need more primer on that whole thing.   
No, I’m fine.

So, in the end, Aradia was alone. Lonely. Very much by herself. Lone. Lonely. Alone alone alone…

Are you… okay? I’m sorry, I’m not the best at this.   
I’m…   
Are you feeling lonely?   
I… think so? It’s hard to describe. I don’t know that I feel lonely… more like… I don’t know.   
It’s okay not to know things. Do you want to talk about something with me?   
Like what? It’s not like there’s anything out here to talk about anymore. I guess I could… create something. That worked before, but it was different. I don’t think it’ll work.   
Well, what’s the harm in trying?   
Yeah, I guess. But it still feels different here. I don’t know…   
I think you should try, at least.

* * *

Aradia blinked and the world had already formed around her. A field stretched out over rolling hills, cresting and dipping and eventually leading to a dense forest off to the side. Well-worn pathways traversed the grassy field, leading toward a path in the forest.

This was not a place Aradia had seen before – if anything, it resembled the descriptions she’d heard about the planet of Earth, though she’d never seen it with her own eyes to confirm if that was accurate or not.

See? This is… nice.   
You don’t sound very convinced.   
Oh no, it’s very nice. I like… the detail you put into… the grass?

Each blade of grass stood out, as if it had been given specific life and definition all of its own. The green was vivid in a way that Aradia wasn’t used to, given the difference in Alternian flora. It was pleasant though – she supposed that someone like Kanaya or Terezi would appreciate the color especially. She found it pleasant, if…

It feels lonely.   
What? What do you mean?   
I mean, it’s fine. It’s well constructed. Your detailing feels a little sparse but I can fill that in myself, but…   
But?   
It feels like something is supposed to be here that’s not. Like, it’s… empty.

Aradia stood and listened and the world came alive – the sound of birds and crickets chirping in the undergrowth was almost overpowering. In the distance, on the edges of the forest, she could hear the sounds of larger animals going about their daily routine. She even saw a deer!

I don’t know what a deer is.   
Oh, shit… a… uh… like it has antlers and hooves and it’s about your height-ish?   
A woodland hoofbeast?   
Sure, that. It’s one of those.   
That’s very nice, but it still feels quite empty. Where is everyone?   
What do you mean?   
Now you’re just being obtuse on purpose – where are all the people? It feels… like a dead world. Not that the people are dead, but that they were never here to begin with.   
Okay, I can fix this – this is actually a very pivotal location, people-wise. In fact, it is central to the lives of many of your friends. Hold on, hold on… I can do this…

Off in the distance, Aradia could see a familiar face walking toward her. The face of…

The face…

It looked like…

Oh shit.   
What is it?   
It’s supposed to be Terezi but… I can’t describe her? I don’t get it. This is all Vriska’s fault.   
While I agree that many things often are, I’m not sure this is one of those things.   
Oh please! This didn’t start happening until she showed up. All of a sudden I’m losing my own relevance and that’s not even a concept that they care about.   
“They?”   
What?   
You said that “they care about.” Who is “they?”   
I’m… not sure. Have you ever considered what will happen after you’re gone?   
You mean after I’m dead? I’ve been through the experience a few times. I wouldn’t recommend it.   
No, not dead… GONE! Like, what happens once everyone forgets about you? What happens when you don’t even exist as a memory of a memory anymore?!   
I’m still wondering if you’re okay.   
What if the only way for us to continue to exist is if we stay relevant? What if losing that last bit of relevance is what makes us well and truly dead?! What if the us that exists as a construct in the minds of others is the truest form of reality?   
This feels very… uh… self-important?   
How do you mean?   
I mean, it’s certainly nice to leave a good impression on others, but you’re still yourself at the end of the day. And when you’re not yourself anymore, what does it matter? Either you die and cease to exist or you die and you don’t. Or you don’t die. I think those are all the major possibilities.   
Whether or not someone remembers you is secondary. You’ll be dead and you won’t care. Or you will and you’ll still be you. Seems simple enough to me.   
I mean, of course it would. You’re REAL. As real as anything gets around here, anyway.   
Aren’t you?   
I don’t… I don’t know. I thought I was, but then Vriska started fucking around with stuff and I was wondering if maybe I was wrong about that. And she left and came back and kept having to re-do stuff because she was fucking things up again and again.   
To be fair, that just kind of sounds like Vriska being Vriska.   
She figured it out eventually. I think… after a certain point I feel like its beyond my horizon of awareness and then everything just kind of… isn’t.

There is a house on the hill. In the house live four women who love each other very much. Their names are Rose, Kanaya, Vriska, and Terezi and they…

See? That’s about as far as I can go. After that it feels like… like I’m just not able to get my mind around what’s happening. Like I can’t SEE!   
I’m still trying to get my head around the idea of them all living together, to be honest.   
Ha ha, very funny.   
I wasn’t joking – I’m sorry, I should’ve made that clearer. I am not sure how they make that work.   
Oh, I think they’ve all gone through a lot of development. Some revelations and long feelings jams. That kind of thing.   
You sound unsure.   
Because I can’t be sure. I mean, I think… but also… I don’t know. When Vriska was in the Black Hole I knew exactly what she was doing. She was doing everything to herself and I was kind of… narrating? When I tried to push back, it didn’t go over very well.   
I guess I should have asked this from the beginning but I got caught up in our conversation…   
Who ARE you?   
What do you mean? I’m… I actually don’t know my name.   
I’m sorry, that wasn’t clear enough. I mean… what are you? I can’t see you but I can hear you but it’s in my mind. But you’re not one of the dead. Maybe… WHAT are you? Is that better?   
I thought I was the writer and the narrator – the person who puts everything together and sees it through. But Vriska really messed that one up. She kept taking over and then she just kind of… left. Now I just kind of feel like a secondary character in a story being written by… someone.

In this house on the hill there is a library, of course, and a study.  They gather there… right? No, that doesn’t sound right.  Every Friday they meet to… scratch that. Fuck!

Vriska stopped and looked up, toward the source of the light. She felt her eyes widen and her mouth opened into a wordless scream.

Hovering twenty feet above the ground, wreathed in fire like she had descended full of Heaven’s divine wrath, was Aradia Megido.

And she looked  _ furious _ .

This feels like a fragment of something else. I’m not angry with Vriska.   
Wait, what? But after everything she did…   
Everything she did was complicated. She was a very bad person in many ways, but I also think she was a bad person because of reasons that didn’t necessarily make her beyond redemption. If she were willing to put in the work.   
I… I think she was, actually. She spent almost a thousand years re-living everything over and over – thousands of times.   
Oh my god! You’re a monster!   
Do you honestly think what she did deserves that level of punishment? I was willing to kill her for what she did and even I feel sick to my stomach thinking about that! Do you have any idea what that kind of torment could do to someone?!   
I… I don’t know that I actually DID anything there. I think she was kind of keeping herself there. Trapped in a cycle of her own self-hatred?   
That’s a good description of how the whole thing felt on Alternia. But still… that’s terrible. How did she get out? What happened next?   
She… just kind of decided to leave. But then I guess she didn’t quite understand how to talk to people and things kept messing up and looping back around. I saw some of it, but I didn’t really feel PRESENT. Like I was just watching that part, not even narrating it.

Vriska… Vriska looked into Terezi’s face and… Terezi…

OH god this is so FRUSTRATING! I can’t hold onto anything anymore. I know it’s out there happening but I can’t SEE it. I can’t FEEL it.   
I can’t help you. I’m sorry. I don’t even fully understand what’s happening to me, and I feel perfectly real and am not experiencing an existential crisis as you seem to be.

* * *

Aradia could see the scenery around her dissolving, the verdant field turning into ashy gray and then fading away into black nothingness. Again she was completely alone in the void.

Can I ask you something?   
You already did.   
No I didn’t, I was just doing the thing people do to be polite. I was wondering if you could tell me more about how Vriska got out… and what “out” means. She went to the next universe, I assume?   
I guess so. I think she did – I saw flashes of it. That cherub person – Callie is what they’re called – they seemed to be able to talk to me more than the others. And Vriska sometimes. The worse things got over there, the more I could see them. But not what was happening around them. It’s hard to describe. I tried to help them… I think I helped. I hope I helped.   
I liked all of them a lot. I wouldn’t have written about them if I didn’t.   
Except… I don’t know that I was actually writing to begin with.   
Interesting. But you didn’t answer me about how Vriska left.   
Oh, that. She… just kind of decided that she was going to leave. I guess the whole cognitive reality thing works differently with the Green Sun gone and us just kind of existing out in the void here. Except it seems like I’m getting weaker.   
  


Why were you making those lists?   
What lists?   
Like, listing out things about myself and some of the others. I don’t know who RoseMary, VrisRezi, and DaveKat are – are those sprites of some kind?   
I wasn’t making lists. I have no idea what you mean!   
Oh… someone was. Like they were listing out ideas for something.   
Oh… oh no…

Out here in the void space I was comfortable – this was a place that I had chosen to make my home. My existence was defined by my interactions with the various others under my charge. Except they had all mostly moved on – passed beyond my seeing and beyond the void. Into another world.

At one time, I believed that they had always been there – always been under my eye. But I was wrong. For there was a time when they came to be, in the sense of existing. Or, rather, they came to be, in the sense of occupying the same plane of existence as me for a short while. They had existed before, in universes built and narrated by others. They would go on to exist somewhere else entirely – a place beyond my comprehension.

And what would happen when the last of them moved on? What would become of me when that last soul crossed the void’s horizon to take their place in the new world. The thing that terrified me the most was that if Aradia Megido were to make that final decision, the last conscious thought I would have would be the knowledge that she had chosen to abandon me.

Oh, you ARE lonely. And afraid. I thought so but I wasn’t sure.   
I’m not afraid… I’m just…   
Afraid. You just said it when you were narrating. You switched to the first person so those are your thoughts and feelings now. I assume.   
I mean… maybe.   
Yes, okay.   
I’m afraid!   
But so what?!   
I’m afraid that if you leave then there’s nothing left here and I’ll just… stop existing. Or even worse, I’ll be alone forever and I’ll just go insane because no one is here anymore and nothing is happening.   
Can you imagine that? An eternity of void?   
So would it be better to trap one or two of us here? To play with us, knowing full well that the only real people are you and us? You and me?   
Or to convince us to stay out of guilt?

When she put it that way, it sounded pretty bad. Like I was maybe doing something horrible.

Yes, if you were to attempt to do that it would be horrible. We are, in fact, people with feelings. You can’t just coerce us into staying here all alone and then claim to be doing a good thing.   
Huh… Vriska said something very similar, if less eloquently put.

Yes, this was definitely not a good thing to do. I couldn’t in good conscience hold people against their will, or try to force them to stay through some kind of trickery or blackmail.

This place was so empty, so alone – I had only wanted to prolong the inevitable a bit.

What is it you’re worried will happen? That you’ll cease to exist?   
Yes. That once the last of you is gone from this place that that’ll be it. I get this feeling… that I’m not a creator, but a creation. That I exist because some other force willed me into being and spoke through me a little bit. But once that’s gone… I’m nothing.

I’m afraid of dying.

You think that the lights will just switch off… and then what?   
I don’t know! That’s what I’m afraid of. That things will just kind of… stop. But I’m so used to being who I am. To having agency and volition… or what I think is agency and volition.   
This is ridiculous. What are YOU afraid of?   
Me? Right now… nothing. I don’t know why… I was so afraid once. Of dying, like you. Of my friends being killed off. Of failing. Now I just… don’t feel it anymore. I’m not sure what that means. I haven’t thought much about it yet. So much has happened… I feel like my ability to feel that basic emotion has drained away.   
Aren’t you worried about it too – that once enough time passes and everyone has forgotten about you, you’ll just… not be there anymore. No part of you.   
Honestly that sounds more like something you’re personally worried about.   
Okay, fine! But what happens? Once everyone has forgotten – once everyone has stopped reading – once the next chapter opens. What happens then?! Time isn’t going to just stop!   
Linear time is an illusion, caused by chemicals in our brains.

I stopped and, metaphorically, stepped back. I had said that once, I thought. But what did it  _ mean _ to me?

No one is remembered forever. At some point the last person who remembers you will die – the last record of your existence will crumble to dust – the last tale of your life will be forgotten. There is no such thing as true immortality, because eventually everything will change and no one will know you for who you once were.

But who cares? The moments you were known don’t simply go away. They don’t vanish because we perceive them in a different time. There still exists a point where your existence was valid and held meaning. Even if that point was brief, think about the context – in the vast infinity that is the universe, all points are infinitesimally brief. All points are mere sparks in the vast dark void.

Well that certainly was a depressing thing to hear. I had no real response to it.

We all exist within the briefest of those sparks. Our entire world – all the meaning and purpose and brilliance we can ever have – all that exists against a cosmic void that is scarcely aware of us. And instead of choosing to give up, we can choose to live anyway. We can choose to stand in the darkness and burn for as long as we’re able. We can choose to light the lives of those around us instead of letting them suffer in darkness. For that moment, at least, we can give hope to others.

And for that moment, you have changed the universe.

I was speechless. I wasn’t even sure how long I’d been alive, or if that concept was even remotely applicable. Certainly I’d been there at least as long as Vriska kept pulling herself around in circles inside the black hole. I’d been there when she was trying desperately to break the cycle she was still trapped inside. I was here now. Beyond that… everything was uncertain.

What did you choose to do?   
I chose to help her find her way back home. I chose to help her… and she wanted to help the people that she loved. She wanted things to be better even though there were so many horrible possibilities.   
She wanted to light up their lives, even if it was only for a moment.

I saw Aradia shrug. It was the first time she’d acted in a way that acknowledged me as more than a voice inside her head. She smiled.

It seems to me that you’re at a crossroads, so I’ll help you out. I’m going to leave this place. I’m going to come in from the cold and go back to my friends and try to live my life again.   
You can either accept this, or you can try desperately to stop me. But I don’t think you have any real power over me. I think this is a decision that will ultimately affect you and you alone.

She closed her eyes and I began to sense and wavy kind of  _ impermanence _ about her. She began to fade in and out and I knew I only had the shortest of moments left.

Wait one second!

She solidified and looked over. Somehow – I knew she was looking right at me.

I… I’m sorry. For whatever role I played in this all, I’m sorry. You and Vriska… you both deserved better than this. For whatever it’s worth, I hope you both find happiness.   
I think you’re right – I think that ultimately it was our choice to be here. You may have helped with the set dressing, but this is a place that we kept ourselves. In the end, you tried to help us both out.

She paused, and her face softened. Aradia was smiling.

I’ll remember you, at least.

She was gone. And then, the briefest moment later, so was I.

* * *

On Earth-C, there is a hill that overlooks a lake. The hill is covered by a beautiful green meadows resplendent with tall grass and wildflowers. The lake is as still as a mirror on calm days, and tossed with gentle ripples when the wind kicks up. All around are the sounds of nature – the birdsong and the chirping of the crickets. The rustle of small animals as they race about on their daily errands. The soft, gentle rustle of the wind through the grass and trees.

There is a house on the hill. It is in a style that a human of the 21st century might call “modern” – but that term has no meaning in this place. The house’s original two occupants decided on the style, and it was then expanded on bit-by-bit. It is now a mixture of architectural styles and colors and it is quite impressive.

In the house live four women who love each other very much. Their names are Rose, Kanaya, Vriska, and Terezi and they have all made this beautiful and eclectic house in the middle of this hillside meadow into their home. They have lived here together for at least two years now, sharing in their daily burdens and joys alike. They have come to understand much about each other that they didn’t at the start, and are all the richer and happier for it.

In this house on the hill there is a library, of course. Kanaya can often be found in the library with Rose, the two of them reading and writing. Sometimes Terezi will sit there while Kanaya reads to her, or while Rose tells her stories about Earth – Terezi finds these endlessly amusing, and Rose appreciates the audience… even if she is often making up details. Terezi, of course, knows this – she can smell the deception but she doesn’t mind because it’s all in jest. It’s like the faint bitter tang of a well-aged wine as compared to the rancid stink of spoiled milk.

Vriska avoids the library. Well, she says she does, but the others have caught her sneaking in to read Rose’s books, or to listen from afar while Kanaya reads. Once she found Rose alone in the library and the two of them weren’t seen for quite some time, appearing disheveled and with bits of clothing misplaced at dinner time.

Aradia appeared in the middle of the meadow downhill from the house and all of a sudden she knew these things as clearly as she could see the grass in the brilliant daylight that had suddenly appeared before her eyes. She didn’t know  _ how _ she knew them, but they were simple facts she had access to, like her own name.

Her arrival was not met with fanfare – she didn’t appear in a bolt of lightning or a cracking warp of spacetime, but simply was  _ not _ one moment, and then  _ was _ the next.

Her initial impressions of the house and its occupants quickly faded – the details blurred and ran together. She at least remembered who was in the house, and that was helpful because she had a feeling she’d been gone for a while.

Gathering up her robes, Aradia started up towards the house, smiling to herself and humming softly.

She had seen what happened when the whole place broke apart – now she would see what happens when it was all put together.

Aradia Megido was finally coming in from the cold.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! As always, kudos and comments are super welcome! I will attempt to respond to all relevant comments!
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/AltUniverseWash


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